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Subject:I can't take it anymore...
Time:09:42 pm
I haven't posted in here for about a month I think. Sometimes I think 'why even bother?'
God I don't even know why I'm feeling so edgy today. I'm trying hard not to let everything bad get the better of me. I'm scared about my future, I'm now single (again) NO ONE besides Dean ever fucking replies to my posts. I have absolutely no idea how to even move forward around here and my workplace is shit.

So much pressures been building up on me lately. But no one wants to tell me 'Oh it's ok, everything's gonna be fine'. Course I can't complain about that or I'd just be one of those whiney twats who go around threatening to commit suicide just because someone doesn't respond to them.
Sometimes I think I need help. I wish I could just shut up my mind for just one minute. I feel like I've lost everything. But that can't be because as long as I'm drawing the whole world'll be perfect right?

Fuck sake. I can't even watch the tv anymore. Too much corruption going on in this world. Sick freako's trading their babies to desperate couples for the sake of being famous on reality TV. Stupid ass judges letting off murderers and potential terrorists just because they cry out 'What about my human rights??' People's attitudes. Money. Sure I should shut up and eat my salad but all this is starting to drive me nuts. I wish I was never fucking human sometimes.

I'm angry more at myself than anyone else. I'm so frustrated I wish I could scream at the top of my voice and it would all go away. I don't care that I'm not gonna get any more extra time working at homebase even if it was for extra money. It's not like I'm being treated as a slave but the atmosphere still sucks and right now I'd rather be finishing off my project. Which even on that thing makes me reluctant to even show anyone. I don't know why I get like this. You'd think after being so alone as a child, drawing, singing, acting all alone to myself despite being constantly singled out by bitchy mangy teachers and pupils, then to find that you're not the only person who loved writing stories or drawing sonic the hedgehog and crash bandicoot that it would relieve me? It did for a while, but right now I still feel so very alone. I tried to be a fan fiction/artist or the things I loved since I was at my last college studying something completely different. I thought if I showed these people I could also draw that they'd wonder where my true passions lied. Thing was, so did I. I mean I'm not a terrific artist. And no matter how well I was a performer, it still didn't give me that much confidence. Nor did my bitchy or whiney peers.

Since when did everything become two-faced? Now it seems I'm the bitter one. Like I deserved to be alone all this time. God I'm so pissed off everything's coming from here and there. I need to browse around this place more often and find other people with my interests. I dash from one thing to the other. It's hard to focus sometimes. Sometimes it would be easier if I was working in a team. I know I've always loved doing that.

I'm so blank right now. For a while I was thinking of disbanding with this journal. But I guess I'm just being immature and merely threatening for attention. Shaz you're such a mess.
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dean_r
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Time:2004-05-04 02:31 pm (UTC)
Well, it's not like you have to use this journal all the time; I just use mine to write about anything but you're more personal about these things. We talk sometimes by phone or Yahoo but you know more about my recent life than I do you, I guess.

I'm sorry that things built up like that; I wanted to be honest to you, I just picked a bad time for it without knowing. So many silly things keep happening around here, it feels like things are relentless at times, but sadly there's not much to do but try and go with the flow here. I know you'll be fine in due time, when you get to the university and when you get a chance to work on something you care about... it's just getting there, that time before you go and do it, that's what's going to smart.

Doing a search for people with similar interests is a good idea. Try and fill up your journal info with all the interests you can think of, I remember there used to be some way for paid members to search for people that're the most similar-minded, that might be useful as I could search for you.
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shazi
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Time:2004-05-04 03:40 pm (UTC)
thanks hon. I guess all of this is smarting. I keep questioning my commitment in things (its not about us) and it's just a bit confusing at times. I still and always will love you.

Besides all this, I'd love it if you could help me out on interests. I guess I'm still new to this whole LJ thing.
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dean_r
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Time:2004-05-04 04:49 pm (UTC)
Well, think of a list of things you like, and I'll show you how to add them and search for them and all that.
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[icon] I can't take it anymore... - Shazi's Pad
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
View:Friends.
View:Profile.
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