I haven't posted in here for about a month I think. Sometimes I think 'why even bother?'
God I don't even know why I'm feeling so edgy today. I'm trying hard not to let everything bad get the better of me. I'm scared about my future, I'm now single (again) NO ONE besides Dean ever fucking replies to my posts. I have absolutely no idea how to even move forward around here and my workplace is shit.
So much pressures been building up on me lately. But no one wants to tell me 'Oh it's ok, everything's gonna be fine'. Course I can't complain about that or I'd just be one of those whiney twats who go around threatening to commit suicide just because someone doesn't respond to them.
Sometimes I think I need help. I wish I could just shut up my mind for just one minute. I feel like I've lost everything. But that can't be because as long as I'm drawing the whole world'll be perfect right?
Fuck sake. I can't even watch the tv anymore. Too much corruption going on in this world. Sick freako's trading their babies to desperate couples for the sake of being famous on reality TV. Stupid ass judges letting off murderers and potential terrorists just because they cry out 'What about my human rights??' People's attitudes. Money. Sure I should shut up and eat my salad but all this is starting to drive me nuts. I wish I was never fucking human sometimes.
I'm angry more at myself than anyone else. I'm so frustrated I wish I could scream at the top of my voice and it would all go away. I don't care that I'm not gonna get any more extra time working at homebase even if it was for extra money. It's not like I'm being treated as a slave but the atmosphere still sucks and right now I'd rather be finishing off my project. Which even on that thing makes me reluctant to even show anyone. I don't know why I get like this. You'd think after being so alone as a child, drawing, singing, acting all alone to myself despite being constantly singled out by bitchy mangy teachers and pupils, then to find that you're not the only person who loved writing stories or drawing sonic the hedgehog and crash bandicoot that it would relieve me? It did for a while, but right now I still feel so very alone. I tried to be a fan fiction/artist or the things I loved since I was at my last college studying something completely different. I thought if I showed these people I could also draw that they'd wonder where my true passions lied. Thing was, so did I. I mean I'm not a terrific artist. And no matter how well I was a performer, it still didn't give me that much confidence. Nor did my bitchy or whiney peers.
Since when did everything become two-faced? Now it seems I'm the bitter one. Like I deserved to be alone all this time. God I'm so pissed off everything's coming from here and there. I need to browse around this place more often and find other people with my interests. I dash from one thing to the other. It's hard to focus sometimes. Sometimes it would be easier if I was working in a team. I know I've always loved doing that.
I'm so blank right now. For a while I was thinking of disbanding with this journal. But I guess I'm just being immature and merely threatening for attention. Shaz you're such a mess.
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