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Subject:Testing...
Time:12:42 am
Just testing to see if I can still use livejournal. For some reason this site isn't accepting my password.
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Subject:Still among the living...
Time:02:35 pm
Heheh. Well I'm back. Just thought I'd add a post to it. I feel I should at least let all those whom may have noticed my dissapearance that yeah I am still alive. I'm on an illustrations course in southampton and hoping I can pass this year at least. Me and Dean aren't an item anymore, and I don't think we ever were at least. So that makes me single yet again. I think thats why I've been away from this place for so long. Just too many memories...

Besides that I'm currently trying to concentrate on living and breathing, oh and drawing new stuff up. I've got some neat coursebuds who've started to reside on Deviantart with me so its nice to see they're not too far. I have a new second cousin who's just come into the world (poor little Jack) and I have a sweet little photo of him on my window pane. ^_^ now all I need is a picture of my nephew. Oh, and, hopefully, if all goes as planned and I can get my own money in, me, Naomi, and some of my close friends at home (Nik, Trevor, Barry, Leanne, Sophie) will be going to euro disney this september. For now we're currently planning to go camping in Weymouth this weekend. With Nik having to pick me up from the train from Southampton to Weymouth as his bike's engines still a little frosty. It's probably best it only travels a little each time he goes out on it. I'm hoping to at least enjoy this weekend cause I've really needed to let my hair down in a long while. And my friends from Mere are a cool loose bunch of mates so yeah, it'll be fun. It'll be a nice break away from my headscrew of an essay I have to get done for next week. Plus me and my flatmates agreed staying at the flat this summer. It means I have to work to almost full time in sainsbury's at the moment. Heheh, I quit that shitty Homebase back in september. Man, was that boring.

That's all I can say for now. in the meantime I'm just chillin', experimenting with Flash. learning Html all over again and discovering interesting flash animations in the meantime. ^^ I'm currently hovering around DA like a second home at the moment. So if you ever wanna comment and you reside there yourself drop me a line won't yas?

Man, I gotta make this journal of mine look more accomodating....Oh well, bring on the camping trip! And hey, if you run by this, thanks for dropping by.

~Shaz X
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Time:06:47 pm
Well, yep here I am. I've come back. And thats all I can say for now. Theres so much to talk about and even if no one cares I'll blab anyway.

You'll have to excuse my mood, you see it's true, I am a corrupted greedy self-centered little bitch who wants nothing more than attention considering its occured to me I can't seem to find time to be one everyone elses fucking webpages or DA archive.

So, to all those who ever held a grudge against me cause of that in the past; FUCK YOU. Oh yeah, and to those whom I've tried every so often to contact (and usually being the first as much as I can) and have no reply. FUCK the WHOLE lot of you.

Yeah, you asswankers know who I'm talking about. And personally I don't give a flying fuck anymore. I'm through being all 'having-to-please-everyone' even though I've known that my whole life. To those concerned, if you so happen to see me coming down your street, turn around and walk the other fucking way, cause I'm not in the mood to have to deal with this shit anymore.

*sigh* Ahh, glad to get that off my chest. Let's see though, was I lying, or was this really a tirade? Hmm, I'll let whomsoever can be bothered to read my constant bouts of crap can decide.
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Subject:lonely.
Time:10:37 pm
Current Mood:lonelylonely
It's so hard to get on and do a project sometimes when you get this 'crisis of faith' thing going on. Today I've been trying to paint the backgrounds, which I just know I'll have to touch up. They're not so good. Ugh. This'll teach me to leave things a little late. Heheh I guess in all honesty I thought things would have been easy.
I was looking forward to this, but right now as I take a break I've just let a lot of things get to me. Been nitpicking at this and that and trying to resist not snapping at anyone really. It feels lame to even ask for a cyber hug off of anyone. I just wanna stop feeling like a martyr so I can get on and do this animation trailer which needs to be in by the end of next week.
I've been browsing around everywhere... Looking for a place to fit in again. Trying to find what it is I am and stuff. I'm just so tired now. I've never reflected so deeply on my life as much as I have since uni. I just wish I could get on and let things go. Uni failure, past relationships. I could blab about it forever. But I just won't bother.
The more I talk about this the more it makes me feel like I've got no chance. I'm gonna browse around for a bit. I'm chatting to a couple of good old friends, whom I'm hoping I haven't pushed too far away due to the absense and the interest gaps we all probably have now. Ho hum.
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Subject:Interesting day.
Time:09:20 pm
Had an interesting day today. Today I was supposed to finally start painting my backgrounds needed for my animation I'm doing as my final major project, but instead spent it touching up a little more on a peice of fan art on Usagi Yojimbo. I think a lot of my latest pics are due for a good scanning on my old computer seeing as how my scanner only seems to work on it instead of my laptop (which I've been using all the time now). Thing is my old computer is actually...well...old. It's bloody ancient and a bloody nuisance. Especially when it came to using it for the internet as well as scanning. Thank god I only have one problem left to solve but now you can understand why I haven't uploaded any new pics to my websites, other than being busy. I'm either lazy, but the term 'fed up' with my old computer would be more easier on myself. It's true, I am fed up. But if I wanna scan and colour pics I need to use it. *sigh* Oh well.

I tinkered around with my peice of fan art. I don't think my skills with acrylic paint are that bad, but I gotta stop trying to make a realistic image. Some people are geniuses with a paintbrush. I think even with my own animation peice I'm perhaps still feeling a little uncertain on style, but I'm just gonna work with a style I feel more comfortable to. I don't think thats a crime.
Anyways I tinkered around with my picture, but then felt intrigued to join in a game of 'Consequences' with some of my college chums in the corner of the room. I wasn't sure if I ever heard of the game, but then they explained to me how you played and I realised I did vaguely hear of it. This would be understandable as at a young age where children play a lot of games like this one, I usually watched or just listened whilst all the other kids laughed and played whilst I suppose I drew. Maybe...
Well, thank god for college. I've made quite a few good decent friends, all of whom I wish the best of luck. And today, we thought it might be fine to try this little game out.

For those who are unfamilar with 'consequences'; basically the rules of the game is that between as many people as you'd like, you first of all sit in a circle, and are given a peice of paper each.
At the top of the page, you and the others (you can't see what they're writing) have to write a man's name. Now this guy's name could be either a celebrity or a class mates name (note; my name was used a lot as well as my good friend Ashley's in today's session.). But anyway once you've written at the top of the page, you then fold it over, hiding what you've written, and pass it to the person on your left. The person you pass it to has passed their paper to the person on their left, and the person on your right will pass their peice of paper over to you.
Next, you write a woman's name underneath the fold of paper you've been given. Remember not to peek on anyone elses. Ruins the fun otherwise.;) Then once you're finished, you fold that over too, and pass it to your left as before. With the paper handed to you again from your right, you then write; where the man and woman met. Fold it, pass it on. Next paper you're given; what the man said to the woman or just said. Fold it, pass it on. Next paper; what the woman said. Fold it and pass it on. Don't worry, this is the last bit. Next paper; you finally write down the consequences of them meeting or whatever and pass it one more time so you're given a paper from your right that's been folded completely (depending if the paper ran out of room for text.) over so you can't see the result.
As you've guessed, by the time you've gotten this last paper. You've got a paper with everyone's text. Who knows who met, where they met and what was said. And with a lot of creative minds the results can be hilarious.
My tutor, Andrew joined in on a couple of games. I had no idea he could be so vulgar with his writing. Neat. ;) heheh.
His suggestion is to try and play it with a group of friends drunk on red wine.

----

After the games, I was starting to realise I had neglected my project long enough, but then I know that the annoying thing I've always found is that when I come to college, theres never a right atmosphere where I can sit down and think or get on and do my project. And I can't paint in the library obviously. Anyhoo at the time lunch was over, and I had contextual studies where we all watched a video of Vincent van Gogh's story behind his Sunflowers. It was very interesting indeed. It makes sense to see the research behind a picture that could be so easily dismissed as being just a picture.

After that, I went in to town and picked up my latest copy of usagi. Alas the store never recieved the past two issues. I suppose I could always wait for the graphic novel when it gets published. I looked around for a couple of other things with my friend Ash. He's a funny guy and an alright mate. I'm hoping he gets into southampton too. He deserves to.

Then I'm home, and I'm typing all this up. Well, I did have a kip first. :) For the first time in ages I think I was properly tired. Not the lazy/depressed/lack of motivation type tired. I could be perking up.
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Subject:Interesting...
Time:11:32 pm
Current Mood:blankblank
What is your Harry Potter Future?
by londnrox
Name
Age
Who you will marryFred Weasley
Your jobThe next Dark Lord
How many kids you will have2
How you will dieYou ODed on butterbeer.
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!


On my actual 'shazi' name it also states that I would marry Draco Malfoy, become a housewitch, and die from bleeding to death after Hermione pokes me with a quillfeather. Apparently I deserved it. :p

I'm feeling a little better now that I've been able to get some stuff off my chest. I'm often afraid that I'll drive people away by shouting out.
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Subject:I can't take it anymore...
Time:09:42 pm
I haven't posted in here for about a month I think. Sometimes I think 'why even bother?'
God I don't even know why I'm feeling so edgy today. I'm trying hard not to let everything bad get the better of me. I'm scared about my future, I'm now single (again) NO ONE besides Dean ever fucking replies to my posts. I have absolutely no idea how to even move forward around here and my workplace is shit.

So much pressures been building up on me lately. But no one wants to tell me 'Oh it's ok, everything's gonna be fine'. Course I can't complain about that or I'd just be one of those whiney twats who go around threatening to commit suicide just because someone doesn't respond to them.
Sometimes I think I need help. I wish I could just shut up my mind for just one minute. I feel like I've lost everything. But that can't be because as long as I'm drawing the whole world'll be perfect right?

Fuck sake. I can't even watch the tv anymore. Too much corruption going on in this world. Sick freako's trading their babies to desperate couples for the sake of being famous on reality TV. Stupid ass judges letting off murderers and potential terrorists just because they cry out 'What about my human rights??' People's attitudes. Money. Sure I should shut up and eat my salad but all this is starting to drive me nuts. I wish I was never fucking human sometimes.

I'm angry more at myself than anyone else. I'm so frustrated I wish I could scream at the top of my voice and it would all go away. I don't care that I'm not gonna get any more extra time working at homebase even if it was for extra money. It's not like I'm being treated as a slave but the atmosphere still sucks and right now I'd rather be finishing off my project. Which even on that thing makes me reluctant to even show anyone. I don't know why I get like this. You'd think after being so alone as a child, drawing, singing, acting all alone to myself despite being constantly singled out by bitchy mangy teachers and pupils, then to find that you're not the only person who loved writing stories or drawing sonic the hedgehog and crash bandicoot that it would relieve me? It did for a while, but right now I still feel so very alone. I tried to be a fan fiction/artist or the things I loved since I was at my last college studying something completely different. I thought if I showed these people I could also draw that they'd wonder where my true passions lied. Thing was, so did I. I mean I'm not a terrific artist. And no matter how well I was a performer, it still didn't give me that much confidence. Nor did my bitchy or whiney peers.

Since when did everything become two-faced? Now it seems I'm the bitter one. Like I deserved to be alone all this time. God I'm so pissed off everything's coming from here and there. I need to browse around this place more often and find other people with my interests. I dash from one thing to the other. It's hard to focus sometimes. Sometimes it would be easier if I was working in a team. I know I've always loved doing that.

I'm so blank right now. For a while I was thinking of disbanding with this journal. But I guess I'm just being immature and merely threatening for attention. Shaz you're such a mess.
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Subject:Time to reflect...
Time:01:54 pm
Current Mood:contemplativecontemplative
Referring to my past post...

June 20th 2003

It's been almost a whole year now... I should just let things go. Funny enough I still think about acting. In a way I'm glad that I've been able to do a different course and look at something at a different perspective. Throughout this whole year a lot has been hammering away at my brain. And sometimes when I'm drawing I'm happy just at getting something creative done. But is that moral of the artist to think that? I'm happy that I've drawn something so that must mean something. But I still love films and the potential of being famous or something. I guess thats a fool's dream.
Throughout this whole year, if anyone besides my wonderful Dean has been reading my posts (not that expect anyone to read everything of course) maybe you'd understand that it hasn't been easy.

I'm going to southampton university to do illustration. But I'm trying to tell myself it may not be the only thing I'll ever do. It's just say, a learning skill, about myself. I'm a drifter, a dreamer. Sometimes it's hard to focus, or when I do, I don't give myself enough credit or feel stupid. I don't know how that's happened but its come to the point where I sometimes draw for other people. Thing is, I don't mind that at all. There was a time I enjoyed it thoroughly and for myself. Since last year, my failing at uni has been hard. I've been trying to convince myself that it's got nothing to do with any hatred for acting. Just myself.

I hope I find that impassioned spirit in me again.
At any rate... I want to talk to Abby (worryfox) soon. About that friend of hers who's also an actress. Apparently this gal also does art. I'd love some advice from someone in that field. Maybe it'll help me. And also sort of bring some closure...
I know it's all down to what you love. But sometimes, it takes a great deal of strength to rise up to just accepting who you are, even if the first few pages of work you do seem ho humm-ish. It's a creative job... and thats why I brought up that link from two posts back. That meant something to me. ^^

Thank you for reading. Especially you dean_r. I love you.

Oh, and I haven't done this, but I'd like to welcome a good close friend of mine; lionessb Jennifer Medlock to LJ. She's a friend from deviantart.com and she's a fab artist. Hi Jen! ^^
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Subject:can't think of a title for this post....oh well...
Time:01:30 pm
Current Mood:thoughtfulthoughtful
I'm now at my dad's house until monday when mum'll pick me up. I still can't drive into town as I had the remainder of my dissolving stitches taken out and a new patch placed over my wound on wednesday. Basically I can't drive incase the seatbelt upsets the bandage thus making everything a bit messy. Dagnabbit!
And yes, they were taken out on wednesday. dean_r's birthday! Yes indeed! I was particularly peeved off cause I roamed through both Fordingbridge and Alderholt for some big envelopes in which to send off my gifts to him, and found nothing. I also spent ages in a queue at the post office there to retrieve a letter that was sent to me in a way that an uncollected parcel is sent. I.e a card is given to the collector with directions on where to go and of when it should have been collected by. My parcel, it turns out was a letter. Yes, a letter (it could have just been posted through my letterbox) and was sent 3 days before my birthday, so besides waiting in the queue for ages, I was starting to wonder if they had sent it back. I've been unable to collect for a while. I eventually get to the front and then I get told I'm supposed to go up to the sorting office which is further up the road. Sheesh. :p
I get there, hand in my card. Damn, I really thought it was gonna be a parcel or something. Til I realised it said on the card that it was a letter that was sent to me. And I have to pay £1.20 for the letter. Okay...
It turns out, the letter was from the Bournemouth Arts Institute.

Now I haven't exactly told anyone yet, cause I don't think I'd make good animator material. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that or have the stamina. But I got a conditional offer a few weeks ago from the institute. Cool. Oh, and just yesterday I got a letter suggesting I reply to them about wether I want to enrol or not. I just feel more securer on the illustration course at southampton. Thats probably because I know a good friend on my course right now who's going straight to southampton to do the animation side. So we can be there for each other. Aww. ;) It may not be a good idea but it's securer for me. And also for Adam. He didn't exactly feel ready for university either.

Anyhoo, this letter I paid £1.20 for, from the institute it seems was a letter informing me about the interview and that the date had changed. Take in to account that this letter was sent when Dean was visiting me last month and that they had already rung me up to tell me it was on the 19th instead of the 13th (march). You see though, that was the thing. They had already rung me. I just paid £1.20 for a letter informing me of a changed date for the interview which a.) I had already gone to anyway, and b.) they rung me up to tell me anyway. All of this was due to the fact that the letter in question was simply un-stamped. Hmm, thanks a lot Bournemouth Arts. I was hoping to buy myself a 99p Mr. Whippy cone with that money.
Hmmph! Talk about rude.

Okay, anyways, now thats off. I'm at my dad's. Still waiting to send off Dean's parcel after leaving it too late yesterday. I just suck. I drew him a card though which I hope he'll like, or at least find amusing. It's made me realise though that I seriously need to be taught some techniques on the ways of using tria marker pens. I love them. I see so much potential in them, only sometimes I feel like I can't do anything with them. Does anyone know what I mean? I need some help on how to use them to make some nice effects. Abby! Think you could help out mate?

Last week, I was gonna type out how amazingly a quaint little Fordingbridge shop sold their very last set of architecture tria markers for a good price. ^^ Needless to say my mum told me they were selling them and I didn't believe her. I always thought you had to go to a big art store for them or had to get them off the internet. Well, I'm just wrong. Wrong, but pleased. Extra colours!

I'm gonna go draw an easter Crash picture now. I still have an Usagi easter picture I drew last year for a good friend on lionking.org, but I never got the chance to finish it. This is how sucky I am. I'm just bad. :(
But not anymore...I just lost a lot of juice right now. I need something which'll encourage me again. Everything's just happening so fast for me right now that sometimes well, I just keep relaxing to stop myself panicking and therefore don't get a lot done. Or so it seems with me. Some people think I've done a lot. It's either this or I'm just fed up with my scanner right now.

You'll all see a lot of work on my deviant account soon.
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Current Music:Jamelia
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Subject:Yay.
Time:09:33 pm
Current Mood:chipperchipper
I still have yet to talk about my operation. Which still lies fresh in my mind (well the hospital visit really, as I was unconscious throughout the actual op obviously) as well as other little bits of information of what I've been doing throughout the week whilst recovering.

I was just browsing the net when I actually found this interesting article which relates to me entirely at the moment. It just gave me a huge relief knowing that I'm not alone sometimes in terms of worrying about illustration or other creative outlets and work.

http://www.robotjohnny.com/archives/000254.html

I think eventually I'll get there. Being creative isn't always funshine, but thats just the way it goes. You know what I mean.
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