| | Just testing to see if I can still use livejournal. For some reason this site isn't accepting my password. | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment   |
| Heheh. Well I'm back. Just thought I'd add a post to it. I feel I should at least let all those whom may have noticed my dissapearance that yeah I am still alive. I'm on an illustrations course in southampton and hoping I can pass this year at least. Me and Dean aren't an item anymore, and I don't think we ever were at least. So that makes me single yet again. I think thats why I've been away from this place for so long. Just too many memories...
Besides that I'm currently trying to concentrate on living and breathing, oh and drawing new stuff up. I've got some neat coursebuds who've started to reside on Deviantart with me so its nice to see they're not too far. I have a new second cousin who's just come into the world (poor little Jack) and I have a sweet little photo of him on my window pane. ^_^ now all I need is a picture of my nephew. Oh, and, hopefully, if all goes as planned and I can get my own money in, me, Naomi, and some of my close friends at home (Nik, Trevor, Barry, Leanne, Sophie) will be going to euro disney this september. For now we're currently planning to go camping in Weymouth this weekend. With Nik having to pick me up from the train from Southampton to Weymouth as his bike's engines still a little frosty. It's probably best it only travels a little each time he goes out on it. I'm hoping to at least enjoy this weekend cause I've really needed to let my hair down in a long while. And my friends from Mere are a cool loose bunch of mates so yeah, it'll be fun. It'll be a nice break away from my headscrew of an essay I have to get done for next week. Plus me and my flatmates agreed staying at the flat this summer. It means I have to work to almost full time in sainsbury's at the moment. Heheh, I quit that shitty Homebase back in september. Man, was that boring.
That's all I can say for now. in the meantime I'm just chillin', experimenting with Flash. learning Html all over again and discovering interesting flash animations in the meantime. ^^ I'm currently hovering around DA like a second home at the moment. So if you ever wanna comment and you reside there yourself drop me a line won't yas?
Man, I gotta make this journal of mine look more accomodating....Oh well, bring on the camping trip! And hey, if you run by this, thanks for dropping by.
~Shaz X | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| Well, yep here I am. I've come back. And thats all I can say for now. Theres so much to talk about and even if no one cares I'll blab anyway.
You'll have to excuse my mood, you see it's true, I am a corrupted greedy self-centered little bitch who wants nothing more than attention considering its occured to me I can't seem to find time to be one everyone elses fucking webpages or DA archive.
So, to all those who ever held a grudge against me cause of that in the past; FUCK YOU. Oh yeah, and to those whom I've tried every so often to contact (and usually being the first as much as I can) and have no reply. FUCK the WHOLE lot of you.
Yeah, you asswankers know who I'm talking about. And personally I don't give a flying fuck anymore. I'm through being all 'having-to-please-everyone' even though I've known that my whole life. To those concerned, if you so happen to see me coming down your street, turn around and walk the other fucking way, cause I'm not in the mood to have to deal with this shit anymore.
*sigh* Ahh, glad to get that off my chest. Let's see though, was I lying, or was this really a tirade? Hmm, I'll let whomsoever can be bothered to read my constant bouts of crap can decide. | | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | lonely. | | Time: | 10:37 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/sad.gif) lonely |
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| It's so hard to get on and do a project sometimes when you get this 'crisis of faith' thing going on. Today I've been trying to paint the backgrounds, which I just know I'll have to touch up. They're not so good. Ugh. This'll teach me to leave things a little late. Heheh I guess in all honesty I thought things would have been easy.
I was looking forward to this, but right now as I take a break I've just let a lot of things get to me. Been nitpicking at this and that and trying to resist not snapping at anyone really. It feels lame to even ask for a cyber hug off of anyone. I just wanna stop feeling like a martyr so I can get on and do this animation trailer which needs to be in by the end of next week.
I've been browsing around everywhere... Looking for a place to fit in again. Trying to find what it is I am and stuff. I'm just so tired now. I've never reflected so deeply on my life as much as I have since uni. I just wish I could get on and let things go. Uni failure, past relationships. I could blab about it forever. But I just won't bother.
The more I talk about this the more it makes me feel like I've got no chance. I'm gonna browse around for a bit. I'm chatting to a couple of good old friends, whom I'm hoping I haven't pushed too far away due to the absense and the interest gaps we all probably have now. Ho hum. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| Had an interesting day today. Today I was supposed to finally start painting my backgrounds needed for my animation I'm doing as my final major project, but instead spent it touching up a little more on a peice of fan art on Usagi Yojimbo. I think a lot of my latest pics are due for a good scanning on my old computer seeing as how my scanner only seems to work on it instead of my laptop (which I've been using all the time now). Thing is my old computer is actually...well...old. It's bloody ancient and a bloody nuisance. Especially when it came to using it for the internet as well as scanning. Thank god I only have one problem left to solve but now you can understand why I haven't uploaded any new pics to my websites, other than being busy. I'm either lazy, but the term 'fed up' with my old computer would be more easier on myself. It's true, I am fed up. But if I wanna scan and colour pics I need to use it. *sigh* Oh well.
I tinkered around with my peice of fan art. I don't think my skills with acrylic paint are that bad, but I gotta stop trying to make a realistic image. Some people are geniuses with a paintbrush. I think even with my own animation peice I'm perhaps still feeling a little uncertain on style, but I'm just gonna work with a style I feel more comfortable to. I don't think thats a crime.
Anyways I tinkered around with my picture, but then felt intrigued to join in a game of 'Consequences' with some of my college chums in the corner of the room. I wasn't sure if I ever heard of the game, but then they explained to me how you played and I realised I did vaguely hear of it. This would be understandable as at a young age where children play a lot of games like this one, I usually watched or just listened whilst all the other kids laughed and played whilst I suppose I drew. Maybe...
Well, thank god for college. I've made quite a few good decent friends, all of whom I wish the best of luck. And today, we thought it might be fine to try this little game out.
For those who are unfamilar with 'consequences'; basically the rules of the game is that between as many people as you'd like, you first of all sit in a circle, and are given a peice of paper each.
At the top of the page, you and the others (you can't see what they're writing) have to write a man's name. Now this guy's name could be either a celebrity or a class mates name (note; my name was used a lot as well as my good friend Ashley's in today's session.). But anyway once you've written at the top of the page, you then fold it over, hiding what you've written, and pass it to the person on your left. The person you pass it to has passed their paper to the person on their left, and the person on your right will pass their peice of paper over to you.
Next, you write a woman's name underneath the fold of paper you've been given. Remember not to peek on anyone elses. Ruins the fun otherwise.;) Then once you're finished, you fold that over too, and pass it to your left as before. With the paper handed to you again from your right, you then write; where the man and woman met. Fold it, pass it on. Next paper you're given; what the man said to the woman or just said. Fold it, pass it on. Next paper; what the woman said. Fold it and pass it on. Don't worry, this is the last bit. Next paper; you finally write down the consequences of them meeting or whatever and pass it one more time so you're given a paper from your right that's been folded completely (depending if the paper ran out of room for text.) over so you can't see the result.
As you've guessed, by the time you've gotten this last paper. You've got a paper with everyone's text. Who knows who met, where they met and what was said. And with a lot of creative minds the results can be hilarious.
My tutor, Andrew joined in on a couple of games. I had no idea he could be so vulgar with his writing. Neat. ;) heheh.
His suggestion is to try and play it with a group of friends drunk on red wine.
----
After the games, I was starting to realise I had neglected my project long enough, but then I know that the annoying thing I've always found is that when I come to college, theres never a right atmosphere where I can sit down and think or get on and do my project. And I can't paint in the library obviously. Anyhoo at the time lunch was over, and I had contextual studies where we all watched a video of Vincent van Gogh's story behind his Sunflowers. It was very interesting indeed. It makes sense to see the research behind a picture that could be so easily dismissed as being just a picture.
After that, I went in to town and picked up my latest copy of usagi. Alas the store never recieved the past two issues. I suppose I could always wait for the graphic novel when it gets published. I looked around for a couple of other things with my friend Ash. He's a funny guy and an alright mate. I'm hoping he gets into southampton too. He deserves to.
Then I'm home, and I'm typing all this up. Well, I did have a kip first. :) For the first time in ages I think I was properly tired. Not the lazy/depressed/lack of motivation type tired. I could be perking up. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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On my actual 'shazi' name it also states that I would marry Draco Malfoy, become a housewitch, and die from bleeding to death after Hermione pokes me with a quillfeather. Apparently I deserved it. :p
I'm feeling a little better now that I've been able to get some stuff off my chest. I'm often afraid that I'll drive people away by shouting out. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I haven't posted in here for about a month I think. Sometimes I think 'why even bother?'
God I don't even know why I'm feeling so edgy today. I'm trying hard not to let everything bad get the better of me. I'm scared about my future, I'm now single (again) NO ONE besides Dean ever fucking replies to my posts. I have absolutely no idea how to even move forward around here and my workplace is shit.
So much pressures been building up on me lately. But no one wants to tell me 'Oh it's ok, everything's gonna be fine'. Course I can't complain about that or I'd just be one of those whiney twats who go around threatening to commit suicide just because someone doesn't respond to them.
Sometimes I think I need help. I wish I could just shut up my mind for just one minute. I feel like I've lost everything. But that can't be because as long as I'm drawing the whole world'll be perfect right?
Fuck sake. I can't even watch the tv anymore. Too much corruption going on in this world. Sick freako's trading their babies to desperate couples for the sake of being famous on reality TV. Stupid ass judges letting off murderers and potential terrorists just because they cry out 'What about my human rights??' People's attitudes. Money. Sure I should shut up and eat my salad but all this is starting to drive me nuts. I wish I was never fucking human sometimes.
I'm angry more at myself than anyone else. I'm so frustrated I wish I could scream at the top of my voice and it would all go away. I don't care that I'm not gonna get any more extra time working at homebase even if it was for extra money. It's not like I'm being treated as a slave but the atmosphere still sucks and right now I'd rather be finishing off my project. Which even on that thing makes me reluctant to even show anyone. I don't know why I get like this. You'd think after being so alone as a child, drawing, singing, acting all alone to myself despite being constantly singled out by bitchy mangy teachers and pupils, then to find that you're not the only person who loved writing stories or drawing sonic the hedgehog and crash bandicoot that it would relieve me? It did for a while, but right now I still feel so very alone. I tried to be a fan fiction/artist or the things I loved since I was at my last college studying something completely different. I thought if I showed these people I could also draw that they'd wonder where my true passions lied. Thing was, so did I. I mean I'm not a terrific artist. And no matter how well I was a performer, it still didn't give me that much confidence. Nor did my bitchy or whiney peers.
Since when did everything become two-faced? Now it seems I'm the bitter one. Like I deserved to be alone all this time. God I'm so pissed off everything's coming from here and there. I need to browse around this place more often and find other people with my interests. I dash from one thing to the other. It's hard to focus sometimes. Sometimes it would be easier if I was working in a team. I know I've always loved doing that.
I'm so blank right now. For a while I was thinking of disbanding with this journal. But I guess I'm just being immature and merely threatening for attention. Shaz you're such a mess. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| Referring to my past post...
June 20th 2003
It's been almost a whole year now... I should just let things go. Funny enough I still think about acting. In a way I'm glad that I've been able to do a different course and look at something at a different perspective. Throughout this whole year a lot has been hammering away at my brain. And sometimes when I'm drawing I'm happy just at getting something creative done. But is that moral of the artist to think that? I'm happy that I've drawn something so that must mean something. But I still love films and the potential of being famous or something. I guess thats a fool's dream.
Throughout this whole year, if anyone besides my wonderful Dean has been reading my posts (not that expect anyone to read everything of course) maybe you'd understand that it hasn't been easy.
I'm going to southampton university to do illustration. But I'm trying to tell myself it may not be the only thing I'll ever do. It's just say, a learning skill, about myself. I'm a drifter, a dreamer. Sometimes it's hard to focus, or when I do, I don't give myself enough credit or feel stupid. I don't know how that's happened but its come to the point where I sometimes draw for other people. Thing is, I don't mind that at all. There was a time I enjoyed it thoroughly and for myself. Since last year, my failing at uni has been hard. I've been trying to convince myself that it's got nothing to do with any hatred for acting. Just myself.
I hope I find that impassioned spirit in me again.
At any rate... I want to talk to Abby (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) worryfox) soon. About that friend of hers who's also an actress. Apparently this gal also does art. I'd love some advice from someone in that field. Maybe it'll help me. And also sort of bring some closure...
I know it's all down to what you love. But sometimes, it takes a great deal of strength to rise up to just accepting who you are, even if the first few pages of work you do seem ho humm-ish. It's a creative job... and thats why I brought up that link from two posts back. That meant something to me. ^^
Thank you for reading. Especially you dean_r. I love you.
Oh, and I haven't done this, but I'd like to welcome a good close friend of mine; lionessb Jennifer Medlock to LJ. She's a friend from deviantart.com and she's a fab artist. Hi Jen! ^^ | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| I'm now at my dad's house until monday when mum'll pick me up. I still can't drive into town as I had the remainder of my dissolving stitches taken out and a new patch placed over my wound on wednesday. Basically I can't drive incase the seatbelt upsets the bandage thus making everything a bit messy. Dagnabbit!
And yes, they were taken out on wednesday. dean_r's birthday! Yes indeed! I was particularly peeved off cause I roamed through both Fordingbridge and Alderholt for some big envelopes in which to send off my gifts to him, and found nothing. I also spent ages in a queue at the post office there to retrieve a letter that was sent to me in a way that an uncollected parcel is sent. I.e a card is given to the collector with directions on where to go and of when it should have been collected by. My parcel, it turns out was a letter. Yes, a letter (it could have just been posted through my letterbox) and was sent 3 days before my birthday, so besides waiting in the queue for ages, I was starting to wonder if they had sent it back. I've been unable to collect for a while. I eventually get to the front and then I get told I'm supposed to go up to the sorting office which is further up the road. Sheesh. :p
I get there, hand in my card. Damn, I really thought it was gonna be a parcel or something. Til I realised it said on the card that it was a letter that was sent to me. And I have to pay £1.20 for the letter. Okay...
It turns out, the letter was from the Bournemouth Arts Institute.
Now I haven't exactly told anyone yet, cause I don't think I'd make good animator material. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that or have the stamina. But I got a conditional offer a few weeks ago from the institute. Cool. Oh, and just yesterday I got a letter suggesting I reply to them about wether I want to enrol or not. I just feel more securer on the illustration course at southampton. Thats probably because I know a good friend on my course right now who's going straight to southampton to do the animation side. So we can be there for each other. Aww. ;) It may not be a good idea but it's securer for me. And also for Adam. He didn't exactly feel ready for university either.
Anyhoo, this letter I paid £1.20 for, from the institute it seems was a letter informing me about the interview and that the date had changed. Take in to account that this letter was sent when Dean was visiting me last month and that they had already rung me up to tell me it was on the 19th instead of the 13th (march). You see though, that was the thing. They had already rung me. I just paid £1.20 for a letter informing me of a changed date for the interview which a.) I had already gone to anyway, and b.) they rung me up to tell me anyway. All of this was due to the fact that the letter in question was simply un-stamped. Hmm, thanks a lot Bournemouth Arts. I was hoping to buy myself a 99p Mr. Whippy cone with that money.
Hmmph! Talk about rude.
Okay, anyways, now thats off. I'm at my dad's. Still waiting to send off Dean's parcel after leaving it too late yesterday. I just suck. I drew him a card though which I hope he'll like, or at least find amusing. It's made me realise though that I seriously need to be taught some techniques on the ways of using tria marker pens. I love them. I see so much potential in them, only sometimes I feel like I can't do anything with them. Does anyone know what I mean? I need some help on how to use them to make some nice effects. Abby! Think you could help out mate?
Last week, I was gonna type out how amazingly a quaint little Fordingbridge shop sold their very last set of architecture tria markers for a good price. ^^ Needless to say my mum told me they were selling them and I didn't believe her. I always thought you had to go to a big art store for them or had to get them off the internet. Well, I'm just wrong. Wrong, but pleased. Extra colours!
I'm gonna go draw an easter Crash picture now. I still have an Usagi easter picture I drew last year for a good friend on lionking.org, but I never got the chance to finish it. This is how sucky I am. I'm just bad. :(
But not anymore...I just lost a lot of juice right now. I need something which'll encourage me again. Everything's just happening so fast for me right now that sometimes well, I just keep relaxing to stop myself panicking and therefore don't get a lot done. Or so it seems with me. Some people think I've done a lot. It's either this or I'm just fed up with my scanner right now.
You'll all see a lot of work on my deviant account soon. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Jamelia | | Subject: | Yay. | | Time: | 09:33 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/happy.gif) chipper |
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| I still have yet to talk about my operation. Which still lies fresh in my mind (well the hospital visit really, as I was unconscious throughout the actual op obviously) as well as other little bits of information of what I've been doing throughout the week whilst recovering.
I was just browsing the net when I actually found this interesting article which relates to me entirely at the moment. It just gave me a huge relief knowing that I'm not alone sometimes in terms of worrying about illustration or other creative outlets and work.
http://www.robotjohnny.com/archives/000254.html
I think eventually I'll get there. Being creative isn't always funshine, but thats just the way it goes. You know what I mean. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Finally, Dean's visit. I said I was going to write this and I am. No matter how late it is. I'll be happier once I've written it up cause I said I would. Read it if you wish.
The only problem is I can only remember snippets of things. Anyways what I did say last time was that it was wonderful, just nice, and peaceful. Here goes.
(Note; I hope I don't get too many major facts wrong but its kinda hard to write anything of what we did in order after leaving it such a long time. Hopefully you'll correct me on a few things Dean. ;))
Sunday: I finished work, (thank god) and made my way round to the train station around five past five I believe. On sundays I don't normally finish until half four so I had a bit of a rush to get back to my dad's, get changed, have a quick cup of tea and then make my way to the station. Anyhow, thankfully I wasn't late and Dean was waiting right there on the platform for me. As far as I remember we were happy to see each other, even though it was raining. But hark! There was a rainbow we both saw cascading over the city just as we left the station. How nice. ^^ Actually, upon seeing it made me realise how long ago I last saw a complete rainbow. Too many years ago in fact. It's a lovely thing to see in such dismal weather. And seemed to fit in nicely with the fact that this was Dean's first over-night stay visit to my place ever. Naturally, I want things to go well and see where our relationship goes (which is going at a nice enough pace thanks) and just basically have some laid back fun.
So he's here, and the next member of the matthews' clan he gets to see is my Dad, as a.) my stuff is at my dad's when I was working at homebase and b.) it's going to be inevitable that my dad meets him. And so back over to West Grimstead we go. Or rather 'back' would be used in my case. For Dean, it's the first time and bless, he was still trying to take the whole countryside in when he left on thursday. ;)
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I'm sorry to say I've gotten ranty again at this point. Whoop-de-do no big surprise. Heh, I need help. Its one of those 'parents embarressing you at the wrong moment' issues. This my not appear to be as serious as others. But then I have these kinds of issues with my dad a lot so you'll understand. Anyways, read away or just go on to 'Later on this evening'.
So we both meet my dad. I sort of screwed up here by forgetting to mention to Dean that my dad was making dinner for us both. And I neglect to mention to my dad that he can't eat anything with any trace of tomato in it. Well, my dad was making a little roast dinner so that was ok. Just to be sure I told him anyway and felt a wave of relief when he said it was fine as soon as I was told that Dean had already had something to eat on his way here. My dad is sometimes on and off in terms of what pisses him off and even now I sometimes feel 'little' in his presense by some of the things he used to say or declare in terms of how dissapointed he felt in me sometimes or how pessimisticly he views the world as. Oh, and he's also 'over-protective'.
Anyway its what usually makes me feel so unsettled with my dad, so I was sort of expecting him to get dissapointed and berate me a little. But he didn't. Ah, good. That would have sort of embarressed me a little in front of the man-friend. Yeah, I kinda forget stuff sometimes. But I'm only human.
Anyways things seem to gel okay in my father's household. We all start our introductions and for the first few minutes my Dad and Dean exchange a friendly chat as we all stand. Then suddenly half-way through the conversation my dad embarresses me by stating my 'short-temper'. That I take everything too seriously. Where the fuck did that come from? What's worse is that as soon as I feel myself go red in the face he laughs and points it out "There you, see?" . Naturally, I'm embarressed, and hurt. You know, when your parents say something about you and perhaps a weakness of yours that you don't exactly feel proud of in front of a group of friends or even worse, your boyfriend/girlfriend. It's like they might as well have shown a baby photo of you during your first day of potty training. Nevertheless what he says hurts cause he knows damn well my 'temper' comes from him, and that I used to suffer (and still have bouts) from depression. I feel myself boil up inside as Dean just politely nods his head (like he has a choice). I have no idea what to say on the matter other than I feel like screaming, which'll only prove his point.
Remember that whole 'little' issue thing I said back there between me and my dad? Yeah, so it looks like I need to work a few things out with my dad. Ok, enough said. I've had enough ranting again.
So the majority of my dad and Dean's interaction is spent with me sitting on the sofa as we watch television for a while. Some interesting things about worms came on at one point I think. No, tell a lie, it was 'Monkey Business'. Ah, there thats better. Afterwards I left Dean to socialise with my embarressing dad a little bit more whilst I went to the other rooms collecting my stuff up. Heheh the sooner the better. As far as I was concerned, even though, yeah I can sort of agree that maybe I have a tendancy to take things a little seriously (mind you, you would too if they were directed in a way that made you feel uncomfortable) and I don't completely agree with my dad that I sometimes need to seriously cheer up. It's just that, right now, despite how much Dean was probably feeling more placid than I was inside I at the end of the day knew my dad well, and just wanted out. In the background as I packed I could even hear my dad mutter on about how important it is for one to know that the only thing this world consists of is money. Fuck talent and love for your work as far as I feel my father is concerned. And I'm sure Dean may probably disagree or not feel sure on how to respond to that as his opinions are different, plus I'm feeling angry as I write this up now. Also I only half listened to the conversation whilst I was packing so I could only pick up those familiar words my dad always had on life.
Love you dad, really. XXX No thats not me being sarcastic. Just please, no more pessimisim.
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Later on in the evening; Heheh fast forward. We're now at my mum's/my house. It's quite late, and also it's the first time mum's ever met Dean. The conversation between them is laid back enough, but short as it's late and mum wants to go to bed. We both decide to stay up a little bit longer and watch one of his DVD's he brought along. Peter Jackson's 'Braindead'. Wow, all I can say is this director's come a long way. I'm not even sure what to make of the film still. It's hard to say exactly given the nature the film was made in. I'm no Jonathan Ross. But despite it being absolutely absurd (intentionally made like that or what) It was just an excuse to snuggle up to Dean. Certain moments were just absurd enough to be hilarious. It's not one of those films with any poignant meaning. Just well...hilariously absurd, although not a film I'd thought I'd watch. Then again, maybe I should. In terms of what me and Dean learned from each other, this was probably useful (not as in that he watches cheap shoddy films all the time) for future reference as to how Dean liked novelty things. And of course, I agree that theres nothing wrong with the novelty or kitsh in something. Just being there and watching something new, with someone you care certainly makes a whole new meaning to what you think you know, you know? Okay I'll stop.
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Monday; It's hard to remember what exactly happened that day other than I know that once again it was a laid back one. In fact, so laid back that we may not have woken up til the beginning of the afternoon. It would have been in my case. Dean had introduced to me a new game which right now I am stupid enough to even forget the name of even though I thought it was brilliant. It was a racing game, and once I remember I'll come back and edit the bloody post. And the amusement with this game was the 'destruction darby' mode it gave as a unique option in the game. Basically you get the gold depending on how much damage you can cause on a variety of tracks. But thats not all, you can watch yourself crash in slow motion! And concoct the many ways in which you can cause choas simply by barricading a busy highway. I'm sick, I know. But then again it's just a game. ;) A highly amusing one. Sounds of steel crushing, horns honking. What? No screams? "Oh the humanity!" "There goes my last tire etc etc"...
Anyways, after nearly playing most of the day away to death with the game after we'd just gone into salisbury I believe. I remember cause we got ourselves a macdonalds to take home. It was almost time for me to be heading back into the city to do my three-hour homebase ordeal. Dean was left to look after the house whilst mum dropped me back off into salisbury. When we left him, he was feeling a bit tired and under the weather. Plus I was aware he had eaten a burger with a small trace of relish (the possibility of tomato) in it, so understandably I felt that pang of concern, but didn't think a lot of it. Besides, mum would be back in no time. And I'm hoping I'm not embarressing Dean right now by making it sound like it's a big deal. Having an allergy ain't a positive thing mind.
This is where it started to get a little rocky. At least from my point-of-view. Worrywort am I? Fussy? Or just someone who had a right to feel like that cause what happened next was just plain confusing and well, worrying. What happened was that after mum had dropped me off and set back home, it was about after the first hour I was working that Ange (a collegue who works on the info desk as I man the tills alone this time of night) alerted me that I had a phone call, and whats more it was an urgent one. Like I had some kind of sixth sense, I knew something must have been up. On the end of the line, mum seemed worried cause Dean wasn't answering the door. She had left her keys on the inside. Doh. But she had tried ringing and calling, but to no avail. Maybe I should ring him? She said she'd get back to me in a few moments.
I asked a slightly bemused Ange to hold the fort whilst I dashed off to the lockers to ring my home phone on my mobile. No answer. As you can imagine, I'm aware that my boss must wonder why I'm running around like a loony, typically whilst I feel helpless with whatever is going on back home a queue is building up outside the tills, and all this time it could just be the fact Dean's fallen into a deep sleep. This was certainly a new scenario to me. But nonetheless I couldn't serve anyone because I was waiting for that phonecall from mum and I can guarentee you right now if I just got back to working on the tills, I'd have been bombarded, Ange wouldn't have been able to answer the phone either cause the queue is big and it would have just been left to ring. I don't feel like I'm on friendlier terms with my boss anyway so the last thing I'd expect from him was to enquire as to why I wasn't on the tills. *sigh* I just had no choice but to wait. Jen, another collegue whom I don't feel that much close to, and has this 'ribbing' tendancy at me said something which for some reason today rubbed me the wrong way. I think she was bemused and said something which I simply stated the obvious back. I may have pissed her off. But so was I.
Anyhow, later I get a phonecall from mum. Dean had fallen asleep. Maybe it's because I need a bigger bed or something. Well, that was a relief. Despite feeling slightly foolish at probably getting all flustered. Thankfully, I don't think anyone else picked up on it. There was just this mixture of relief, emarressment and anger that I felt myself get so uptight. At the end of the day it's just one of those things. I made mum and Dean both aware of it though. Looking back on it now of course its amusing.
Tuesday; Was our little trip to mildly sunny-but-still-a-little-bleak bournemouth. All I've done is talk about stuff thats embarressed me right now but nope, no such thing going on here. Today was just, you know, calm and peaceful. And according to Dean, nostalgic. What was more amusing was hearing him mention of certain areas he remembered like the park we walked through, which we did as he mentioned it. Which in turn triggered his happy memory of a mini crazy golf area at the end of the park right opposite the hot air balloon attraction. I was happy to state him right just as we approached it. Well done love. ;) We had an amusing time feeding the pigeons and squirrels with bits or doritos and watching a group of pigeons wonder how in the hell to tackle a whole crisp. Yes, today was going to be fun. It wasn't even a hot day but we both went in search for an ice-cream stand that could be open and that would serve the traditional 99p flakes (or known today as £1.20's now) too. Alas, the weather dictates the need for the stands to open. I should have known. I was hoping to find the odd trinket or item here or there to buy. A bit of retail therapy. But for now it was just nice to cruise around, Dean in hand and look at the sites. I showed him a couple of places and we both ourselves found a couple of new shops as we ventured further thanks to Dean's curiosity. He had found a lovely quaint gadget shop that I never noticed before. They sell some nice continental clocks. Dean purchased one for his room and it looks grand. I didn't feel I had much money to splash out on myself. But window shopping and taking down mental notes of this place was good enough. Know where it is...Only right now I forget the name. So that worked out well. Well done Sharon. O.o
We looked in a couple of Game shops and made our way back. But not before popping into the arcade grounds and having a look in stores like 'Fat Face' or 'TK MAXX'. I was hoping, just hoping to get something but alas, couldn't find anything to catch my eye. Dean pointed out to me a foreign mini-store with a really bad colour scheme going on and selling cheap brockwurst which I hadn't noticed in the arcade and so we both went inside. I mention brockwurst as he stated that the sausages there weren't bad in fact. So we got a couple of packets and started to set off home.
Before the trip back, we did one final thing. Walk alongside the beachfront as the evening slowly began to set in. We both took our shoes off to walk alongside the sand, but to my disbelief the sand was so cold, it ruddy hurt. I did a couple of metres before deciding on walking on the walmer pavement. For now at least the smaller patches of sand collected on the concrete where a lovely and slightly warmer alternative. We walked slowly, and talked. Mostly about the day. Dean was satisfied at being here. So was I. We walked past a restaurant I remember going to once with another friend of mine. The food in there was a bit pricey, but quite worth it. It's a seafood restaurant. Another place alas, that I have forgotten the name of. Games, novelty shops, now restaurants. What next?
We both walked past a few more huts. Both starting to feel the chill of the evening. Dean slipped on his shoes, but I wanted to walk back again in my bare feet. I got some coffee from a vending machine we passed on the way back. We were contemplating playing some pool in the arcade but it was shut by the time we passed. It was about time that the ticket on my car would run out. Seeing as how we had no chance of getting ice-cream I still personally craved some haagen-daz so I suggested maybe we should get some at my local co-op in fordingbridge. And we did. Yay.
That night, we both watched my recent favourite film; 'Finding Nemo'. I don't know how to express our explain my liking to this film. It just rules in so many ways. Oh and it's naughty of me to nearly forget that on Monday whilst in Salisbury, Dean had bought me a copy of the soundtrack I've come to play in my car quite often lately. ^^ An early birthday gift. And not the only one as I found out. He had quickly nipped into a store as I waited in the odeon on monday morning to get something which he would hide in my room. Ah, an adventurous man. I like that.
We played some more of the 'un-nameable' game I liked so much and then hit the pit, so to speak. ^^
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Wednesday; Today was supposed to be the day Dean was heading back. But we managed, after contemplating about it from our lovely trip at Bournemouth that one extra day wouldn't hurt. ^^ Today's trip, would center around my college town, Poole. Again it's a nice sea-side place. Except theres no beach, just the sea but a beautiful view of all the lovely sailing boats (I can't spell yaghts...see?). I must take some photographs of the landscape there. It's wonderful. Anyhoo I don't believe Dean had stepped foot into Poole's town before despite taking a trip down Bouremouth when he was younger and so it was just another case of walking through the high street past and into the shops that interested us. On a side note, I don't think I bought anything here today yet again. I come to this high street quite often and still couldn't find anything. We both ventured into a jackaranda type shop, and I sifted through some of the gypsy-designed clothing (I love those designs. Yet I know theres an appropriate name for them. Man I'm crap at name's right now). Alas couldn't find anything my size or interest to try on. Damn. In the meanwhile, Dean noticed some Betty-Boo mirrors and seeing as how his mum loves the cartoon character he got her one. I hadn't even noticed they did novelty items of her until he pointed out. Cool! ^^ Then he told me to look away as he got another item. Hmm.
Last trip before heading home; the comic store I occasionally go into with the soul purpose of buying my Usagi comics. I am dead certain the next issue is out right now so when I'm recovered a little more I'm heading back over. Also the new Usagi figurine is out so he's on my wishlist too.
On the way back I finally decided to get that chinese necklace I had been wanting to get but never got round to it as I needed the money to get other stuff. I finally got something after all. :p It's a lovely little genuine necklace, made from a rounded glass pebble, and engraved with a chinese horoscope animal with a red velvety string as the band. I'm wearing it now, in fact, and the animal engraved on it is the dog, my chinese birth year animal.
The evening was peaceful again. Haagen daz was devoured this night I believe. Or was it the other night. I was actually feeling a little sombre. Dean was heading home tomorrow, but right now just snuggling up, playing more games was a wonderful distraction from what appears to be individual stressed out times for us both. I for one know in the back of my head that my project needs to be done and can't do itself. It's made me question my ability to do anything when I procrastincate. But how often do I see Dean?
That evening, Dean presented me with the small trinket he had got in the jackaranda store as my back was turned. A talisman. A 'Love' talisman. <3 These surprises are getting really nice. The last one was yet to come and I had to find it hidden in my room as soon as he had gone back for home. :)
<3<3<3
Thursday; The last day. A little bit more solemn, but not enough to dampen the day. We're not that soppy or gushy. A lot of the time was spent snuggling up watching tv, playing more games, more snuggling, chatting, and I'm sure Dean was beaming to himself inside as I just knew even as he went home I'd be struggling to find the last gift in my house.
I think we were cutting it close (or I was) in terms of getting Dean to the last train out of salisbury to waterloo. We both negotiated at first perhaps having one last extra hour together from the original time before he set off for home, but alas there was a problem on Bill's part to pick Dean up any later than the original time I believe and so it was around 7pm that we headed towards salisbury. Only to find the train Dean had to go on was delayed by about more than half an hour! We stayed within the warmth of my car for a while, before making our way into the station. We both waited a bit longer, and as it turns out it seemed Dean and a majority of other peeps had no choice but to take the later train after all.
Dean's train pulled up, we exhanged a hug and kiss and then he was off. I felt a pang of sadness. I also noticed he didn't look up out through the window as I stood there watching him go, but I think he thought I must have already left by the time he entered a carraige.
Around midnight I got the phonecall that he arrived home just fine. ^^
Oh and I didn't find the last gift until my birthday. ;) 'Are YOU Dave Gorman'. Really interesting book. ^^
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Soon to come; trip number three. We're hopefully gonna take it in turns with coming round each other's place. Hopefully it'll be soon this easter. Right now I have my project to tend to, and my inner self to be more nicer to.
I seriously novelised this post. This is in fact the longest post to date. I don't know how to link this post to a seperate link, but until I do I guess this is the way it's gonna have to be left. Sorry guys. But if you got this far, man, you must either have a lot of spare time on your hands or your just wonderful. And I thank you for it. ^^ | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| Right I'm back from my operation... I arrived back in Alderholt from Salisbury District Hospital on friday morning and just spent these past two days resting. I'm gonna write up about my experiences of being in a hospital bed for the first time (shock horror) in my next post...
Right now; a quick rant about writing...(note; don't read this if you don't wanna. This is like some sort of mental note.
I don't know why I left this till very late (about writing in my online diary. I want to write sometimes and I can't. For some reason I seemed to have lost my creative will in almost everything, well, erm, creative. Maybe its pressure from college, or something. But back then when I was writing fiction and drawing and acting I never gave a shit. Oh well, maybe it's because I'm still feeling very sore understandably from my op or because I'm just still feeling very rocked by my new and ever changing situations on life since last year. My mum goes on about how I only ever seemed interested in writing and drawing, but lately I've had to lie to her about my college work cause I just don't feel I've been productive enough or just don't feel in control right now. I almost feel insulted that she'd suggest that acting wasn't for me in the first place. How can you say that about someone who took four years studying performing arts despite having to put up with other prima-donna's and drama queens, had some sort of ambition doing films and stuff and pursue a course by auditioning for two years despite being rejected. Of course she says this only after I apparently 'failed' myself at uni. That miserable bastard teacher (whats his name? Martin) tells me to lay off the entertainment industry altogether has got a fucking nerve. All this time whilst pursuing a possible career in illustration I've been browsing the net to see if there are any peeps out there like me. Doing two careers at once. I'm still nervous, I'm still lazy and just trying to peice things together with my life despite how slow I am or how hard I have to work. I'm trying to tell myself theres no shame in working hard and that are possibilites I could do two courses. Maybe the possibilities have humbled me into submission? I've had this self-hating issue with myself since my teenage years. But whatever it is, my mum never really had a clue of my ambitions, or whats probably left of them now. Now I'm just rambling. I haven't started writing a story in almost a whole year and it worries me. I keep justifiying that maybe it's because I'm lazy and I'll never amount to anything which then makes me feel depressed like no one gives a crap and therefore I lose the will to write about my feelings. Anyhow it seems I've done nothing more than repeat myself in circles concerning my on/off relationship with the art world. Its not that I don't care, it's that I wonder why sometimes I do. For fuck sake stop analyising every fucking thing Sharon!!!! ><
Anyhoo, thats that. I'm just thankful for once I've gotten a little more closer to accepting myself and my temporary setbacks. I just need to get out more. Thats all....
- End of rant. Okay I think I'll go on to make a new post now. I made this too long. Thanks for reading, if you did. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Op day. | | Time: | 11:51 am | | Current Mood: | calm |
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| Alas, I had a bit of a lie-in today and have spent a good majority of the rest of it getting ready before I go to salisbury. I really could try and squeeze in as much as I can about Dean's visit but having my mum nag over my shoulder probably wouldn't help my creativity. All I can say right now is that I really enjoyed those few days he stayed over. Course it shouldn't be the last, and won't be. The trips around bournemouth was quite special indeed. Just wonderful. I mean how often do you get to walk alongside a brilliant beach hand in hand with someone you care for? ^^ Plus it was just fun, just fun. Apart from the silly mishap that happened on the first day where me and my mum left him to look after my house so I could go to work and then fall asleep so she couldn't get in- he couldn't hear her knocking-therefore started to worry all of us. It worried me a heck of a lot. Heheh more on that later when I return from hospital though. Anyhoo besides that I had a wonderful time, and judging by what Dean wrote up on his diary he did too. Heheh thank god. ^^
http://www.livejournal.com/users/dean_r/440830.html?mode=reply
Ok, I gotta go now. I'll see you all later. ;) This feels weird. Shouldn't I be dead nervous going to an op? | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | God I suck. And this isn't me being all attention seeking either. Jeez I was supposed to write about Dean's visit a while ago. I'll have to type it up later on this morning before I head off down to salisbury. Goodnight ya'll! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Tomorrow I plan to write up as much as I can from Dean's visit. Not that it may matter as you could always read his account really. I've just been busy. I don't even know why I never mentioned this in the first place but I'll be in hospital for an op from tuesday and have to stay in there for a couple of days. It's not a huge operation. Being that its naturally personal I didn't want to talk about it much. Oh, and it's nothing serious. I've been waiting on the bloody NHS list for more than three years now and its finally come to a date.
Anyhoo, for me I've been doing the usual. Been chillin'. Finally doing some storyboard planning for this animated project of mine (I have no idea how it's gonna turn out. I'm mixing with both anxiety and excitement so to speak. It's not at all what I thought I'd feel, oh wait nevermind. ;)). Still thinking of re-joining some amatuer theatre group. I had my interview at bournemouth arts institute and I'm still waiting for the results, although I think I'm still opting to go to southampton simply cause I've gotten in there, illustration is what my stronger point is really, although I'm still nervous about the whole thing. Plus a couple of my friends from college are going there after being accepted themselves. Which should make life a little more easier for me.
I still think about film. Or film making. Theres still that pang of drama in me. Some peeps may never understand. Even I wonder sometimes. I'm just going to do this.
I tried to contact Dean but he wasn't available on yahoo. I'll try and ring him tomorrow before I go the hospital. :)
And tomorrow I'll also explain from my point of view 'Dean's visit'. Even though that was about a few weeks back. Yeah I know, I seriously need to get my ass into gear with everything. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Finding Nemo soundtrack. Thanks Dean...<3 | | Subject: | Officially 22 yrs... | | Time: | 12:04 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/energetic.gif) bouncy |
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| I'd say really, about 15 minutes ago I turned 22 yrs of age now. Yes it's my birthday today and well, like any other adult I don't feel much difference. I've been told the age of 30 might hold some excitement but I've still more years for that. But before I go all self-indulgent, watch this space cause I still have yet to talk about Dean's visit from my P.O.V from last sunday (8/3) to thursday (11/3).
Hope everyone's been fine lately...I haven't been on the net much. But just in time to give out two e-cards to two other people whose birthday's are this month. Heheh I DO care! I'm not forgetful! Thank god!! I was beginning to think I was THAT selfish and silly. ;) | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| My dad's computer blacked out as I tried to post the last post... Grrr...
I ordered this set of tria marker pens with a free tria mug from graphics direct on friday. Since seeing Abby use these I've been craving to try a set out. This is a mixed set from most of the five sets but are probably the best types of artist pens around. Well, I can only afford up to that much anyway but it should get me going. Hopefully...;) The whole set have 24 of the popular colours and like I said, has a free mug to boot. All for just over £50 (*sigh* what you must pay to create eh?) but should be worth it. And you also get a free Rotring pen however I'm not sure, besides looking like a pen, what it's design looks like.
http://www.graphicsdirect.co.uk/cgi-bin/GraphicsDirect.storefront
The parcel should arrive at my mum's house soon. I shouldn't expect it any sooner thans soon however due to the snow we were blessed with from thursday onwards. It's still lingering in the fields. So there's still time to make a snowman or snowangel. ^____^
Did some oil painting last night. Note to self; I need to get myself a new oil painting pad (if they do them) as normal sketching paper made my first attempt quite crap. My first pic was a sleepy attempt (why do I leave my creativeness til late?) at painting a portrait of some fruit I had on the table. Hmm. I let that alone afterwards. Maybe I should attempt to finish it tonight. My second painting was an etched erotic one. (Yes erotic...as in nakey people! mwa ha haaa!) Got to keep myself challenged. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| After my rather long eventful day last thursday at the southampton interview, I've been trying to convince myself that maybe illustration might be the thing I'm going to do. Although half of me feels like I may have felt a little more rushed to apply to these universities and these courses after what happened to my year in manchester. I mean I don't know... I'd be studying for like three years and a lot can change in my style and attitude towards visual art at that time... But heck I really don't know. I sometimes sit at work, like today wondering: where the hell did my creational ideas come from? A slip of paper with a picture? was it from television itself? Somehow, I get this feeling like no matter which path I turn, I'm gonna miss out on something important.
It's made me flustered. Sometimes to the point of not caring anymore. And why should I? I mean, even though caring so so soooo much about illustration to the point of having to be obsessed with it just to get into university is something the interviewees wanna hear right? So then, why, do I just don't get it right now? Maybe I'm a bit too scared to go forward and let myself experience it. Or maybe I really am a shit artist who does nothing more than copy like with her silly little fanfiction stories and is not one of those true art appreciators?
Thing is though, I LOVE story-telling. Visual and dramatic. That's why I loved disney all those years ago. That's why I love film.... And even some of these brilliant comics.
Passions come and passions go. I am just too stubborn to let myself be thwarted by those sceptics. Knowing I'm not alone. And yet somehow all the way down here in salisbury I still feel very much alone, still comparing my knowledge, strife and art to those who know their proffession. I've talked and talked about it. I've drawn quite a lot of stuff and still tried to get used to a lot of my own designs now that I seem to be working on my own style. And I have to admit I'm not so sure how to take in a lot of my other friends' story ideas and designs. Some appeal to me, some don't, but I guess I wouldn't mind helping them out. Is that normal? I've always wondered. And well whaddaya know, I've gone all psychological on myself once more. Thinking why, how and where it began. All probably from doubt and the worry that I may have taken the wrong step.
I was going to say more, but even here (and I don't know why) I sometimes feel reluctant to say anything. Well I used to have another livejournal somewhere on xanga.com where I just ranted about those idiots in my old college performing arts class... And it was great, I guess that's the magic of being human. Maybe I should do it more. And then the other thought hits me...like... Maybe I moan too much? Or, perhaps why not many people respond is because I talk about nothing interesting. Maybe if I let myself get interested in all my old interests again maybe we'd see some progress. Yeah, probably. Right now my life is as about as exciting as... well there you go, that's it. I can't even think of anything funny to say.
I know. This isn't one of those chat forum sites where you moan about something and inevitably get a response from someone who cares. If I wanted that, or felt that desperate I'd go to them. I just need to hang out with people more and often. Do something.... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | SSBM | | Subject: | guh. | | Time: | 12:11 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/angry.gif) angry |
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| I had my first interview today at Southampton University. I'm still still trying to grasp the reality of going back to university life again, after throwing myself from grace. Well, it wasn't much of an interview, just looking around the building, chatting to other applicants and leaving our portfolios to be fondled by staff. Lovely. But let's just say it's been one hectic day. I traveled all day taking Adam with me, for he had the same interview (more on the animation side. I was really surprised when they mentioned that despite being called 'Illustration with Animation', the course had been changed to seperate pathways now.) To top that day off, it snowed. Yaaaay. To top that day off, I had an 'accident'. Friggin' boooo. Thanks to the snow which involved another driver and bore the outcome of two rather nice sightly dents to the right side of my car. I was ok. God was I shaken though. Had the pleasure of telling mum and Dean all about it mind. It's funny, despite spending such a long time driving up a snowy country lane at 15mph, the incident happens at the last bend. Terrific. Not only am I feeling low about that interview I now have a damaged car, where the driver's door can't even open. Normally I should be ranting some paranormal stuff about god having it in for me and junk. But no, not today... God I just wanna sleep or have a good browse around the net. Something to remind me of what I once was. It's a personal thing, nevermind.
There's a saying; 'When the mind rots, the body soon follows'. Okay I read it from a storyline in one of my Usagi books. But somehow makes sense. It won't matter though. Soon Dean'll be coming round to my place, hopefully my nan may have gotten less angry about my immature rage attack I had with her on monday (please don't ask. I just don't wanna know. Fuck, who would? Does anyone read my journal?). And it'll just be me, Dean, and Tammy, my cat home alone next weekend.
As for now, I must literally keep a sketch-pad plastered firmly to my side and draw tons and tons of stuff. Gee, where to begin...Hmm.
Oh, and Tenacious D rules. MIND BULLETS!! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Well I decided, despite but a poorish student I'd continue to nuture my craving for video games and order myself a copy of Sly Cooper (or Sly Racoon, as it's entitled here in the UK) from amazon. At the same time, I had to cancel and re-order the third graphic novel book of the Usagi Yojimbo series for what may appear to be the final time as despite ordering the book 'twice' now, the delivery fails to commence. I ordered this book last november and it kept getting pushed back at a later date every time. The book was set to be delivered within 3-4 weeks. Today I checked up to see the books progress to find the book itself could be delivered now within 9-10 days, so I cancelled and re-ordered it. That probably won't make a blind bit of difference. That's the only book it seems Amazon.co.uk has had trouble dispatching to me. If the book was out of print it would surely say so, but obviously there are still available copies. I ordered this book since last november y'see. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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